I recently had someone reach out to me about a dating dilemma: The man she was “dating exclusively” (her words) told her he was no longer on apps. However, a friend spotted his profile, which was not only “active now,” but updated. When this person approached the man about it, he claimed that the app kept his dating profile active for “research.” Yikes.

Unfortunately, it was immediately clear to me that this guy was lying and keeping his profile active on the side.

How do I know this? First of all, his response says it all. If you are truly committed to a relationship and hear that your profile is still on a dating app, you would react differently to someone questioning it. If I were being truthful, my immediate reaction would be to pull out my phone and show my partner that the app wasn’t there. Using some nonsense excuse like it being used for research purposes, which isn’t only false but also disingenuous, is not the right answer.

To be clear, there’s a difference between deleting your account and deleting the app off your phone.

If you want to get rid of your profile so it doesn’t come up while others are searching, you need to go to your settings in the app itself and actually delete it. (There is often a confirmation of this.) Then it’s gone. Some sites do allow you the ability to deactivate (or hide or pause) the profile without completely deleting it. Then you if decide to go back on the app, your information is still there.

But if you simply delete an app like Bumble, Hinge, Tinder or anything similar from your phone, your profile is still there. It’s the same if you were to delete, say, Instagram from your phone. That obviously does not delete your profile.

When it comes to exploring a new relationship, I recommend deleting (rather than deactivating) your profile. Some may be hesitant to scrub their bios completely since writing a profile, answering the app’s questions and choosing photos is a whole process. (Just screenshot them in you’re that concerned.)

Having the profile readily available at the click of a “reactivate” button is basically giving you a soft landing if things don’t work out, and that’s not exactly going into a committed partnership with the right attitude. If you’re going to be in something, be all in. And if things don’t work out, cross that bridge only if you arrive at it.

When is the right time to delete your dating profile? Every relationship is different, but the best idea is for the decision to be talked about with your partner and mutually agreed upon. And be very clear about whether you are deactivating or deleting your apps so no one is in the dark later.

At the end of the day, these apps are downloaded with the intention of being deleted from your phone. But now you know that when it’s time, make sure to delete your profile and not just the app to give your relationship a fair shot.

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