ArcaMax

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

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He passes wind, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases some more wind, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on a couple more times. Finally the woman yells, "Darn it Spot, get down before he poops on you."

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in a year.

You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.

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FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal ...Read more

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same ...Read more

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful....Read more

"Are you leaving me?" asked my husband one night as he surveyed the contents of my closet, which were now on our bed.

"What? No!" I said. "Why would you think that?"

"Every single article of clothing you own is laid out on our bed," he replied. "So I have to assume you are either leaving me. Or you have joined the armed services, and if that...Read more

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7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her whoopee.

6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

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