ArcaMax

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing ...Read more

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him ...Read more

Chores I will gladly outsource to qualified professionals: oil changes, mammograms, colonoscopies, hair color, anything involving shingles, pipes, wires and/or drywall.

And lawn care. Where I live in Florida, the grass is fickle. That gnarly, matted weed bonanza that's either fully snuffed out or spreading like a tight, joy-smothering quilt. ...Read more

After 33 years of marriage, my husband and I have finally figured out why we sometimes have trouble communicating: He can't read my mind.

I know. I was shocked too. But there it was. And the sad fact was, I was enlightened over a bag of garbage.

One morning I came downstairs to find a bag of garbage sitting near the back door, exactly where ...Read more

Another sweaty, storied baseball season is sliding into home, but there's still time to steal a souvenir from the clutches of a wide-eyed child. With that in mind, let's review the lessons provided by a sporting season of televised misdeeds.

There's the so-called Phillies Karen who demanded a man hand over the home-run ball he had just given ...Read more

Superman is able to see through walls.

Spider-Man can detect things with his Spidey-sense.

Me? I can smell something in the next county. Yes, it's true. I am Super Smell Woman (not to be confused with the significantly less appealing Super Smelly Woman). I can detect unseen mold under a bathtub mat. I can sniff out spoiled milk from behind ...Read more

On a rainy Monday, I slid into a seat at Cracker Barrel. The chain's new, doomed logo dotted flatware sleeves, the only sign of its widely mocked brand overhaul.

For the astonishingly low price of $10, I got a hefty bowl of chicken and dumplings with green beans and a basket of hot biscuits. In this economy? I hoovered it among the kitschy ...Read more

There was a time when I was a world-class sleeper. I would go to bed at midnight and wouldn't emerge from my darkened cave until noon the next day. Alarms couldn't wake me up. Firetrucks couldn't wake me up. If there were an Olympic event for sleeping, I would have won the gold. I am sleep woman. Hear me snore.

That was all, of course, before I...Read more

Trying to keep up with the pace of innovation these days feels fruitless. Recent concerns range from "will a sentient hologram steal my job?" to "are digital fashion influencers laughing at my ankle socks?" I do not know either answer.

What I do know is that I've decided to stop worrying so much. Evidence is mounting that society will adjust ...Read more

If I'd had any choice in the matter, I certainly wouldn't have planned to have two kids' and my husband's birthdays only weeks apart. The first two just kind of worked out that way. The third was completely out of my control.

The problem with all these occasions has nothing to do with gifts or parties.

It's about the cake. Or, more ...Read more

When I was 16 and applying for my driver's license, I had to provide my height. No one was behind me with a measuring tape, so I slipped an extra inch onto the form, cementing my official frame at 5-foot-1. That inch, even just on paper, pushed me closer to Jennifer Aniston's height of 5 feet, 6 inches, a factoid I'd read in my mom's "People" ...Read more

When we lived in the suburbs, my dog had a squirrel obsession.

He would routinely sit by the deck door watching the backyard for squirrels like a guard at Buckingham Palace. Neither sleep nor hunger nor the sound of a killer Roomba approaching would tear him from his post, unless, of course, he heard the sound of food accidentally dropping on...Read more

Hey, this is just a quick reminder about how dumb things have gotten.

In what way? Well, take your pick. Today let's zoom in on Florida's bobo version of DOGE through which officials are auditing the state's counties and cities with a fine-tooth comb. You know, a small government, laissez-faire activity.

Florida's Chief Financial Officer ...Read more

"What do you think this is?" my husband, pointing to his elbow, asked me.

"That's your elbow," I stated matter-of-factly.

"No, these red spots," he responded.

"Those are red spots," I replied.

He sighed. "I know they're red spots. What do you think they're from?"

I took a closer look at the constellation of red bumps on his forearm just ...Read more