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The folks behind Tylenol have a rebranding conundrum. Overcoming the lasting harm of recent political stunts will require specificity and vivid description. It's going to take discussion of pelvic floor dysfunction, of discharge, of errant boobs.

In other words, it's time again to gross out the men.

Yes, we must periodically remind them that women are body-having humans and not poultry incubators. This week, President Donald Trump and Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gathered 'round a podium to warn pregnant women off acetaminophen.

No matter that leading researchers and the Food and Drug Administration itself say there is no causal relationship between Tylenol and autism; that acetaminophen is the safest way to stave off fevers that can cause birth defects; that autism's wide-ranging set of conditions existed long before pain pills at CVS.

"Tough it out," suggested Trump, whose administration has eliminated billions in grants to benefit women. Florida's Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo, fond of creating health policy by reaching into a party bowl of charades prompts, quickly fell in line. He was more measured, but he still jumped at the chance to lay fear and blame at the puffy feet of terrified new mothers.

How to turn this around? Emphasizing that Tylenol is safe to use in moderation during pregnancy per the blessing of one's doctor is not good enough in this attention economy. It's time to get out the whiteboard for a brainstorm.

Tylenol: We're there when you experience a spike in estrogen, progesterone and blood volume, which will turn your breasts into 10-pound boulders that burn to the touch while simultaneously leaking a clear fluid called colostrum.

Tylenol: Sorry, is this giving you the ick?

Tylenol: Good.

Tylenol: Your top choice to fight the debilitating pain that comes from growing a whole human being inside you.

Tylenol: We are in favor of more studies, but "tough it out" is not a study.

Tylenol: Because several state laws say you must make every attempt to give birth. And while it's not explicitly in the law, it would be super cool if you could become a pleasing helpmate to your husband and figure out how to make your pork chops less chewy.

Tylenol: Your pelvic diaphragm feels like the dilapidated slat flooring holding a claw-foot tub in a 200-year-old Queen Anne farmhouse.

Tylenol: Constipation pains? Hemorrhoids? Why not both?

Tylenol: Somehow you're 35 and have cystic acne again.

Tylenol: In the second trimester, the muscles of your uterus will start to contract at random, but you still have to give a PowerPoint presentation with a guy named Sherman who eats so many hard-boiled eggs.

Tylenol: Have you heard of round ligament pain?

Tylenol: Have you heard of pregnancy-related carpal tunnel?

Tylenol: Have you heard of lightning crotch?

Tylenol: For when your circulation slows, causing your legs to swell and your veins to pop out of hiding in the manner of the movie murderer Ghostface.

Tylenol: You didn't know your intestines could hurt, did you?

Tylenol: For when your habitual pregnancy nosebleeds trigger a migraine, and lying down in a cool, dark room only makes you dream of more Tylenol.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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