Hurting for My Son
Dear Annie: I'm a mother of four, and a few years ago, during a difficult time, my former in-laws generously fostered my two youngest children, now 13 and 9. They've remained involved and caring, and I'm truly grateful.
The problem is my 13-year-old son often feels left out. He has ADHD and ODD, and while he can be challenging, he's also incredibly sensitive. Recently, he called to ask if he could visit and swim but was told his foster grandmother would be out of town. Two days later, they invited his sister for an overnight and a swim. Understandably, he was hurt -- and took it out on her when she got home.
Then came his birthday, which both sides of the family forgot -- even though his sister's was celebrated the month before. He acts like it doesn't bother him, but I can see it does.
How do I gently raise this with his grandparents and former foster family without seeming ungrateful? How can I help them understand that my son needs to feel included and loved? -- Hurting for My Son
Dear Hurting: Your son is lucky to have a mother who sees him clearly -- challenges, sensitivity and all. And you are right to be concerned. Being repeatedly overlooked, especially in contrast to a sibling, can quietly chip away at a child's sense of worth.
First, trust your instincts. This is not just a one-off moment of disappointment. It is a pattern. You do not need to accuse anyone or start a confrontation, but you can advocate for your son. A simple, kind conversation might go a long way. Try saying something like, "I know my son can be a handful at times, but he's a good kid with a big heart, and he really notices when he's left out. It would mean a lot to him and to me if he felt just as welcome."
As for the missed birthday, bring it up gently but honestly. Even well-meaning people can be oblivious. You might say, "I wanted to mention that his birthday passed without a call. It hurt him more than he'll admit. He really looks up to you." You are not blaming. You are reminding them that your son matters, too.
Favoritism can be unintentional, but its impact is real. Keep being your son's champion and, when needed, his translator. He may act tough, but he is still a boy who wants to feel seen and loved.
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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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