Errant Text Could Undo Decades Of Friendship
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am part of a group of six college friends from 50 years ago. We stay in touch by texting often, and getting together in person every few years. We are spread out geographically, but one friend and I are just a few miles apart and have always seen each other more often.
I was to stop by this friend's house to pick something up, and I texted her my expected arrival time. In response, I received what I would describe as a cross text -- a mean-spirited and unflattering statement about my husband and me. (Everyone in the group also knows my husband from school.) The friend criticized our life choices, looking down on us. We were both in the car when I read it aloud. My husband was angry, and I was hurt, not having known she felt this way.
I was left wondering who the text was actually for. The idea that it was possibly for the rest of this group of friends broke my heart. I stopped all contact with her.
The group is now planning our next in-person reunion, and I do not know how to respond, as I do not feel I can be around her comfortably. I don't know if the group received the text as well.
What is the best way for me to handle this? The group has been a special part of all of our lives over these years, but now I feel betrayed.
GENTLE READER: Our devices change much faster than the human condition, which means etiquette can usually adapt relatively easily. Your friend thought about, wrote and got caught writing something unkind about you. Though thoroughly unpleasant for you, it is not the first time in human history such a thing has happened; in fact, it is why the apology was invented.
You do not mention what happened when you broke off contact. Senders are not always aware they have sent what you call cross texts, an important point.
Miss Manners would have had you text back at the time that you did not believe this text was meant for you. An apology should then have been forthcoming, after which you could have decided whether 50 years of friendship could be salvaged.
If there remains the possibility that your friend is unaware of what happened, you might confide to one of the other group members, when you decline the next outing, that a hurtful text was sent -- without sharing details -- in the hope that that will elicit the apology.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Either due to my age or the illusion that I have my life together, I am frequently asked for advice regarding life decisions, such as if a friend should buy a car, a house or whatever.
The problem is that to answer the question intelligently, I need to ask questions that are normally none of my business, such as, "What is your income? Your credit rating? Are you thinking about having children? How is your current job going?"
Is there a polite but direct way of asking these without appearing unnecessarily nosy?
GENTLE READER: "Is this a casual question, or are you asking for a really in-depth analysis (which I'm perfectly willing to do)?"
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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