ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A graduate from a Seven Sisters college, who is the child of a doctor and a lawyer, sends out announcements with a link to her wish list for classroom items.

Is this a subtle request for gifts for herself, or truly a wish to stock her classroom?

GENTLE READER: Well ... Are the requests for construction paper and colored pencils? Or tennis bracelets and home appliances? Miss Manners suggests you check and deduce from there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When live artists are performing music during the dinner hour at a restaurant, is it rude not to applaud after each number, or should the music simply be considered part of the ambiance?

GENTLE READER: The artists will understand if you do not drop your fork every five minutes to stop and applaud. And the servers will appreciate it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am lucky in that multiple friends of mine offered to host a baby shower for my upcoming arrival. I demurred with all of them and most of them dropped the subject.

Two friends insisted that they wanted to celebrate, and asked me if I would oblige, and I agreed. I provided a list of invitees and offered to drop some if it was too many, named my other friends who had offered to host as potential co-hosts if they so desired, and my registry info.

I did not provide any guidance for the event itself, as I am not the host. They suggested a nice restaurant for the event, which I said was fine.

I received an invitation at the same time as all other guests. The invitation specifies that each guest must pay for their own food and drink.

I am mortified at the prospect of being the guest of honor at an event at which guests must pay for themselves and are also expected to bring a gift. I realize that lunch for 15 at a restaurant is expensive, but would much rather have a casual gathering at a park with cake and bagels than this.

Should I ask them to cancel? Offer to pay the restaurant bill myself? Grin and bear it? I'm also wondering whether Miss Manners has guidance regarding what a guest of honor should do to prevent this from happening.

GENTLE READER: You had the right idea when you refused the offers in the first place. Miss Manners was wondering why you did so, but you know your friends better than she does.

If you can manage to pay for everyone, that would be the most gracious -- if expensive -- option. Perhaps just making the offer will shame your hosts into realizing what they have done. Perhaps not.

In general, guests of honor should try to suss out the scope of it all before agreeing to anything. "The Plaza is lovely, but way too expensive, I'm afraid. Perhaps a local cafe would be more manageable?" And if pressed, "I would be happy to contribute to the cost of wherever you choose; I just want to make sure that there is no burden on the guests."

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN