Dear Anna,

A few weeks ago, my wife’s friend’s husband (I know, classic game of telephone) told me that my wife had a brief fling with someone at work. He was scant on details so I don’t know if it was emotional or physical or how far it went. Apparently, she ended it quickly, felt awful and swore it off. She hasn’t said a word to me.

On the surface, our marriage is solid — 11 years in, a kid, plenty of love. We married young and she didn’t really get to date much. Do I give her a pass? I’m not seeing any red flags now. But I keep thinking about it. Not obsessively, but enough to make me wonder: Do I ask her and risk blowing up our life, or stay quiet and hope the unease fades? I don’t want our marriage to be shaped by unspoken guilt — hers or mine. — Keep Inside or Say Something?

Dear KISS,

Secrets have weight, even the ones you're not technically keeping. You didn’t choose to know this information — you were handed it — but now it’s living in your head, and it’s not going to go away on its own.

Let’s be real: if you’re writing to ask, “Do I bring this up?” then it’s already affecting you. Meaning, yes, bring it up. The doubt is there. The trust — whether you want to admit it or not — has shifted between you. And long-term trust erosion? That’s how resentment takes root. Quietly, gradually and often irreversibly.

It seems to me like you want to avoid that. That you’re in this for the long haul. You’re even willing to give her a “pass.” But you can’t do that without knowing what actually happened and the reasons underneath it.

You don’t need to start with an accusation. You can start with curiosity and honesty. Try:

“Something’s been weighing on me. I heard something about you and someone at work. I don’t know the details, but I want to hear from you directly. Can we talk about it?”

This opens the door without slamming it shut. It’s not about catching her in a lie — it’s about checking in on your shared reality. You deserve the chance to ask, and she deserves the chance to respond like the partner you believe her to be.

Here are some questions to ask yourself before that conversation:

—What do I really want from this? Clarity? Reassurance? Accountability?

—Am I willing to hear the whole truth, even if it hurts?

—If she admits it happened, can I live with that and rebuild, or will it always haunt me? Do we need a third-party mediator, like a couples counselor to get us over this hump?

—Am I open to forgiveness, or am I already quietly checking out?

And questions you can ask her, when the conversation(s) happens:

—“What was going on for you at that time?”

—“Did you feel like something was missing between us?”

—“Are you still carrying guilt around it?”

—“What do you want our relationship to look like going forward?”

You mentioned she didn’t have much dating experience. That’s a valid observation, not an excuse. But it might speak to a kind of curiosity or craving she didn’t know how to name. That doesn't mean you just accept the fling carte blanche — but it might help you approach this with compassion rather than punishment.

Relationships stretch. They bend. Sometimes they even crack a little. The goal isn't perfection; it's honesty and repair.

So yes, talk to her. Not because you're angry or need to punish her, but because you want to feel close to her again — and you can’t do that with a wedge of silence between you.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.