ArcaMax

DEAR ABBY: I have a 16-month-old who has recently learned to walk. My mom was watching him one day a week while I worked part-time, but she ultimately decided it was too much stress on her back and said she could no longer lift him. Lately, she has been telling me I need to "train" him to do certain things in order for her to watch him without lifting him (e.g., climb into his own car seat). Abby, he's too young to consistently do anything like that.

It's no longer possible for her to put him in his car seat, lift him to put him in his crib, high chair, etc. She's being very pushy about me finding alternative ways to do things that ultimately will make more work for me. I think it would be safer and easier to pay an able-bodied caregiver.

Talking to her about this has become stressful because she calls me "crazy" for thinking this is a safety concern. If we are at the park and he does something unsafe, I pick him up and remove him because he is not yet a reliable listener. How do I discuss this with her in a kind but firm way, and is my concern valid? -- LIFTING HIM UP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LIFTING: You are not crazy! Of course your concerns are valid. Your son is years away from being able to do what your mother is suggesting. End those discussions. She needs to be told kindly, but firmly, that you know she loves her grandson, but he needs more hands-on care than she is able to give him, which is why you ARE hiring someone to do it.

DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers. My best friend, "Will," and his family have been close friends of mine for nine years. I regard them as extended family, and we do almost everything together.

Two years ago, they bought a house and converted the garage into a room for Will's brother-in-law. A year ago, the brother-in-law met a woman I'll call "Anika," who stays with them several days each week. She has made her place in the family, doing everything with Will's wife and their kid. Will and his wife have now started including her on trips and things they would have normally invited me to do with them -- but without me. I recently discovered that Anika was disgusted to hear that I was going on a recent trip with them, but she gave in to Will to let me go.

I feel like I'm being pushed out of the family I know and love by this new girlfriend. How do I handle this? -- PUSHED ASIDE IN THE EAST

DEAR PUSHED: Tell Will that over the nine years you have been close friends with him and his family, you have grown to regard them as your extended family. Then tell him it has come to your attention that Anika did not want you included on that last outing and ask if he knows why. Had you offended her in some way? She may be jealous of the relationship you have had for so long with Will and his brother-in-law and be unwilling to share her boyfriend -- or his family.

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