Things No One Wants To Hear While Undressed
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a breast augmentation surgery 20 years ago, for reasons that I still think were good ones. I am not interested in having to justify my choice to anyone, and in any case, it's not something I could undo even if I wanted to.
I'm now single and dating. It has happened more than once that a man sees me undressed for the first time, detects that I have breast implants, then stops everything to stare at my chest and ask, "Why did you have that done?" It implies that he disapproves of my choice.
I consider this rude, judgmental and insensitive. I never comment on other people's bodies or their choices of what to do with them. I certainly would never feel entitled to ask someone about something like that, unless I was explicitly invited to do so.
What is a good way to respond when asked this intrusive and judgmental question, especially in the context of sexual intimacy? The times this has happened, I was so taken aback and dismayed that I couldn't think of what to say in the moment.
I have ended up saying something like, "It's a long story and I don't really want to talk about it right now" -- but I would like to also convey that I find the question offensive, body-shaming and hurtful.
GENTLE READER: Those are surely all qualities that you do not want in a potential suitor, much less an imminent lover.
Miss Manners thinks you would well be rid of someone so quick to criticize you and question your choices -- irreversible or otherwise. And making negative comments in the throes of passion is not the way to sustain the situation -- which also makes it not particularly bright.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are older adults who go to bed earlier than many people, and often leave parties without saying goodbye.
We do it because, often, when one guests leaves, others take it as a sign that they should leave as well! We don't want to be the ones causing an early exodus from a good party, which is often in full swing.
The next morning, we reach out to the hosts to thank them and apologize for slipping out. Are we rude?
GENTLE READER: While your intentions are kind, the result is less so, which you are no doubt aware of, since you always seem to find yourself apologizing the next day.
Miss Manners will further remind you that there is still at least a 12-hour gap where your hosts are wondering, "What happened to the McCutcheons? I hope they are all right." Or worse, "Did we offend them somehow?"
Miss Manners suggests a compromise. At the beginning of the party, tell your hosts that you hope they will forgive you in advance, but you will need to slip out early. That way, there can be no doubt that you have not suddenly taken ill -- or that one of their other guests insulted you.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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